When I got to the top, I could see all the way down to the ocean. It was very peaceful. On the top of the first pillbox, it felt like the whole world was on pause. I felt safe even though at any moment, I could have fallen off the pillbox and down the side of the mountain. I wanted to stay there forever. I did not have to worry about school starting, memorizing cello music, or getting down the dance for a performance.
I knew I would have to go back home soon. The sun was up and the pillbox was more crowded. It was not as peaceful as when I first got up there. We headed back down, Libby, Kristi, Chamberlain, and I, and went back home in Kristi's black truck. I went straight to sleep when I got back home. But I could not stop thinking about how I felt up on that pillbox. I want to go back again. Waking up at 3:00 a.m. is worth it when you go to a place where you do not have to worry about anything.
Although I haven't been back to my Querencia since that summer morning the feeling is still fresh in my mind. There is a lot of stress and work now that school started. But if one morning I could go back and not have to worry about school or anything else, I'd come back home ready to take on whatever life throws at me. My Querencia might be a public place for anyone to go to but when I get up there, it seems like I am the only one there. I feel safe, relaxed, and stress free.
I liked the ending sentence to your last paragraph a lot. It showed when you visited your special place and where it was. Your purpose was good and I understood and could relate to this topic.. You had a good topic sentence, but I think you should introduce to the reader who Libbi and Kristi are. Your sentence fluency was good, but I would try not to start a sentence with the word "but". Good job on talking with your own "voice". Overall, this was a good rough draft.
ReplyDeleteYour story sounds really fun and tiring, When i was reading this I wouldn't ask any questions about what happened because there is so much detail and evidence. I think that when I read this story I could see an image in my head of what you were doing. This is story makes me hear your voice. Overall this story was really detailed and has great sentences beginning to end.
ReplyDeleteYou had really good sentence fluency, it flowed really well on how you were talking about the Trail, and how you had others with you. I think you should tell us who Libbi and Kristin are as what Kaylee said. I can kind of picture what the place would've looked like if I was there, and I like how you talked about your thoughts in between sentences. My only problem is that you should introduce Libbi and Kristi in the beginning. Overall I think this was a good essay :)
ReplyDeleteYOU NEED TO ADD A LOT MORE REFLECTION THERE IS A GREAT STORY BUT NO EXPLANATION OF THE PLACE WHEN IT COMES TO HOW SPECIAL IT IS TO YOU. YOU NEED DISCUSS WHY THIS PLACE IS SO SPECIAL COMPARED TO EVERYWHERE ELSE, HOW OFTEN YOU GO TO THIS PLACE, THE REASONS TO GO THERE, HOW DOES IT MAKE YOU FEEL MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY. AS(2)
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